I died a week ago.  I had a good life made really special by my mom.  The Mom-boo.  She was always so kind, loving and supportive.  She has cancer, which is sad.  I caught the cancer too.  I was diagnosed with a sarcoma on Wednesday, and died on Monday.  Cancer is super evil...

My last weekend was hard.  I became so feeble that I collapsed three times.   My brother Lou shared his anti convulsant drugs with me which helped me through the weekend.  Mom and Dad took me to Napa so I could spend my last days in the place I loved so much: Camp Spence.  It wasn't easy, but I wouldn't have traded the last weekend with people I love and who love me for anything.  I rallied as best I could which gave my family a chance to say goodbye.  It wasn't a good weekend as weekends go, but I wouldn't trade it for anything.

I got to see Allen and Jacalyn, who love me a lot and I love them.   I got to walk through the vineyards on Howell Mountain, which is so special.  And I rode in the truck with my head out the window for miles smelling the world as it went by.  So good.

When we got home on Sunday I fainted in the family room.  Dad thought I had died.  He called to me to bring me back to the living for a few more hours.  Kyla and Mark came over to visit Sunday afternoon which made me very happy.  We sat together ion the family room with Mark petting my ears and head.  It felt good and helped me forget the pain and discomfort of the cancer for a while.

Dad stayed with me in the family room Sunday night to keep me company and comfort me through my last hours.  On Monday morning we walked out into the front yard so I could relieve myself.  I laid down in the cool grass to rest when Kathy Pauly and Mack game by.  I was so excited I barked at them and stood up.  Kathy gave me a few cookies which I always loved getting from her.  Thank-you for my last meal.

Later Dad drove me to the vet.  We took it easy with the window of the truck open for me to smell the world going by.  I had trouble getting my nose to the window, but I could see the gorgeous mountains as we drove along 280 and onto 92 East.  We got the vet and I walked proudly and dignified into the back of the clinic for the last time.  So many people there were sad because they knew I didn't have any more time.  They were kind to me and let me go to sleep.  I had a good life.

I'm not feeling well

I am an old dog.  Just turned 10 a few days ago and blam, I get sick.  Can't keep my kibble down, so Dad took me to see Dr. Lundsman on Friday.  We were planning to go to see Jacalyn and her pups in Napa, but instead I spend the whole day hooked up to an IV because I was dehydrated.  We went to Napa on Saturday which was glorious.  But then I was sick gain on Sunday.  I may have to back to the vet tomorrow if I don't get better.  I hate being sick.  Dad and Mom are really worried.  But they also love me, so I hope we are okay for a few more years.

Will two rounds be enough?

Mom and Dad went to see her oncologist late yesterday afternoon, leaving Lou and me home being super bored.  The doctor decided it was best to stop Mom's chemotherapy because Mom's blood still has not recovered after two full months since the second treatment.  She said the risks outweigh the benefits.  Dad and Mom agreed with the plan; what choice did they have?  While Mom was really happy that she is free of the evil lymphocytes that were trying to kill her, she knows she is not cured of the disease.  There is still no known cure for CLL.  The doctor said she had a really great response to the first treatment and that she should hope for some good months without any issue.  Mom will go back for a blood test right before Thanksgiving.  Hopefully her blood will be recovered by then and we will see if the cancer comes back.

Her doctor did give Mom and Dad hope based on a new drug that is an antibody versus chemo.  It is taken in pill form, so no infusion required.  The exciting aspect of the new drug is that it treats CLL without the nasty side effects of the blood chemistry Mom has suffered with in both rounds of treatment.  The drug has been approved by the FDA.  Dr. Kushlan said that the next time Mom needs treatment this drug "is perfect for her".  We hope and pray it will be.

I will make this my last blog post for a while.  I am an old dog who is slowing down.  Dad has helped me lose weight, which is good.  But I still struggle to climb the hill home on our walks in the morning.  And in the afternoon I am very tired.  I also have a skin infection.  It is tough getting old!  I hope I live out what time I have left with Mom.  I love her so much.  Last night we watched the World Series together on the couch.  I laid my head on Mom's lap so she could stroke my ears and be close.  It was bliss.  This is the best life a dog can hope for.

What to do?

I am a dog.  Not real bright.  But lovable.  I love my mom so much.  She has cancer...she is taking the medicine to fight the caner, but her body doesn't want it.  She took the medicine in July and August, which was real hard on her.  She fought like a champ and was ready for round three, but her blood wasn't.  She feels good.  She looks amazing, yet the cancer is trying to kill her.  Cancer is evil.  It strikes the good people among us.  People who try to make sure everyone they know is happy and feels loved.

Us dogs, we try to do what we can, but we don't talk or earn money, or do things our heroes do.  What we do is what we can - we love our owners.  We protect the property we live on, and we provide entertainment for those we love and who love us.  Dad loves us almost as much as Mom loves us  He feeds us and picks up our poohs so our yard is clean;  and he walks us us.  We love Dad a lot.  But we love Mom so much more  She is sweet in ways Dad can never be.  Dad knows that and is okay as long as we stay together as a family.

But the cancer keeps trying to kill Mom.  What can we do?  We snuggle Mom; we lick Mom's hands; we bark at critters; and we bark to let the cancer know we are on the job.  But is that enough?  What if the cancer is too strong?  what if we can't beat it back no matter how much we try?  What will happen to Mom?

Insurance - really?

Mom came home Friday night very upset.  Her blood counts still have not recovered enough for her to get her next treatment, so she is worried that her bone marrow is compromised.  Then on top of all of that, her insurance may not cover further treatment because she didn't complete them within the six month window.  Really!??
I love my mom so much. She is kind and considerate and dedicated to her job, Dad, her family, which includes Lou and me.  It upset me alot so I crashed around the house and bit Mom's arm to retrieve her. I couldn't control my anxiety because when Mom is upset, which is so very rare, it gets under my fur so much I just lose it....
With the government shut down, BART strike, and our society just generally coming apart at the seams, why is Mom put in the position where she must choose life versus paying for health care herself.
You tea-bagger republicans believe you are doing God's work.  I'm a dog, I know what you are doing is the work of the Devil himself.  Shame on you all of you!

I am an old dog

Dad took Lou and me to the vet today.  We really don't like to go to the vet, although we like Dr Lundsman.  He is really kind and gentle.  But other people stick needles into us, which we hate.  The worst part is when Lou and I are separated so they can test us.  Lou and I are really really close.  Even 1 minute apart stresses us out. When Lou went "to the back"  I cried 'cause I worry about Lou.  I could hear Lou whining for me when I went to "the back".  It was okay when we where back together.
I weighed in at a portly 100 lbs even.  Guess I am a lard butt after all.  Now Dad is cutting my food ration down, so I will be hungry a lot.  Dad was worried about my tumors growing all over my body that they might be cancer.  Dr. Lundsman doesn't think so, but I got a blood test just to make sure.  Which meant a needle, which I hate!
Dad brought us home about 11:30 this morning.  The weather is really gorgeous, so Lou and I laid out on the driveway sunning ourselves while Dad built a small shed under the house in a space that used to be the old porch landing some 80 years ago.  It was so warm and comfortable.  This is living like a dog should!
 Mom was out to a business dinner yet she still got home at 7 PM.  It was a fun evening watching Monday night football and snuggling Mom on the couch.  This is the way life is meant to be!

Late at night

Today was wonderful - Dad filled the new shed with fire wood, while Mom trimmed roses and other flowers around the yard.  The weather was mild, sunny, and glorious.  Lou and me, we dug up some plants to help with the gardening.  Mom and Dad took a bath and made passionate love together.  Mom was really getting off, which made Dad very happy that he could make Mom enjoy sex so much.

Mom and Dad watched some baseball and a television series before Mom went to bed about 8:30.  She is tired these days so she goes to bed early.  Dad stayed up watching the game and then went to his office to surf the internet and play backgammon (he's pretty good).  As the night wore on it made me consider what it would be like without Mom.  It made me sad.  Our family is a close knit unit because Mom makes sure all of us are okay.  Every day she works on making this family better.  It makes me want to be a better dog.  I bark alot to protect her an our house as does Lou.  Dad also tries to be a better person to give Mom the best life he can.  It is hard on the old duffer.  He wants to be kind and generous, but it takes an effort for him.  Mom is the shining example he tries to follow.  He loves Mom so much it makes him cry late at night when it is only him awake in the house.  He considers what it would be like to be alone again without Mom and he doesn't like the scenario.  He loves Lou and me, but we are dogs.  We are 10 this year, so we won't be around too many more years.  Dad is 56.  He could live another 30 or even 40 more years.  He doesn't want to live one more year without Mom.  Lou and me will keep him company as long as we can, but we are getting old.  We will soon leave this earth to make room for others to follow.  Dad will be so lonely...